It’s all about confidence

We had planned another 6 am early start to Saturday’s long run as it was going to be another hot one.  Unfortunately at 5am it was already 26C and the humidity put it over the top at 32 C.  I was pissed.  I haven’t had a good successful long run since the 24 km run which seemed like a lifetime ago.  My confidence was already at an all time low and I was hoping with only 2 long runs left that at least 1 of them would turn out well and give me the confidence boost needed for race day.  This day was looking to be yet another catastrophe in the making.  By the time we got to the start of the run I was already in a pissy mood.  So I decided to play it smart today and run the required time with the girls and whatever distance we reached was fine.  I had no expectations, and for some crazy reason this mindset always seems to work best for me.  This day would prove to be no exception. 

We just shuffled along nice and easy and by the 8 km mark we were all soaked and drank all our water bottles and had to fill up.  In fact every time we had the chance, we filled up on water because it was so brutally hot and you just don’t know if you’ll get the opportunity again. 

We met up with Benny at the 16 km mark and I was feeling fantastic.  We chatted about my pace for the day was “I don’t give a crap, I’m just out to do the time” and how this attitude really takes the pressure off and with zero expectations, when/if things go well, you’re pleasantly surprised and excited. 

On the way back I kept wondering about my friend Celine and how we usually meet her along the way, but haven’t yet.  I sure hope she’s ok.  About 5 km to go and filling up on more water and waiting for the girls at the top of one long hill they all came sauntering up.  Nancy and Chris looked ok, just a bit wilted, but I could see that Celine was having a really tough time.  She also said the “Diabetes Gods were winning today” which just compounds the struggle.  So for the next 5 km we all took turns running and walking.  I managed to finish the last few kms running most of the way and felt great.  Usually the last few kms I’m walking and ready to drop.  That day I finished feeling so strong, like I could continue on for the entire 42.2 km. 

We ran for a time of just under 3 hrs but only managed to do about 24 km, and I was totally fine with that result.  Sure it was slower than usual, but finishing the run feeling so strong and not totally whipped, boosted my confidence and I felt “over the moon” happy.  My confidence that has been stripped from me due to such struggling long runs for weeks and weeks was now back. 

But all the while during the last 5 km I couldn’t help thinking about my friend Celine as we watched her struggling to complete 32 km.  We kept telling her to “call it a day” and cut the run short and we’d drive her home from Benny’s store.  But no, I could see in her face that she would never get into the car, she was determined to complete the distance no matter what.  Nancy even asked me “is she Dutch?”  For those of you who don’t know, Dutch folks are THE most stubborn folks on the planet. 

I couldn’t help but think “oh man, I’ve so been there the last few weeks.”  She’s probably going to finish and feel like crap because the last few kms were such a struggle.  It doesn’t matter if you ran the best 25+ km of your life, if the last few kms are rough, you feel like a huge failure.  What a crazy notion, but well, it’s there.

It’s taken me a long time to realize this, but I think I’ve finally got it through my thick skull; it’s just not worth it.  Struggling to complete the entire distance vs. cutting the run short and finishing strong; I’ll take finishing strong any day.  Those struggling runs erode so much of your confidence it makes it so hard to gain it back.

That day I ran smart and listened to my coach and my body, and it sure paid off.  The boost in confidence is exactly what I needed vs. completing the scheduled distance and struggling.  Sure I haven’t managed to reach the 30 km mark yet in training, and sure it’s a long way still to the 42.2 km mark, but now that I have my confidence back, I have no doubt that I can complete the distance. 

Thinking back to that day it’s so weird how I started out the run feeling so utterly defeated and yet managed to finish feeling so strong again.

We get so caught up in our pace, splits, etc and fast times are really nice, but I think I’d rather finish slower and feel better, than finishing faster and struggling. 

Running is all about confidence for me.  A great run will make you feel as strong and confident as Superman, but a crappy run will humble you and make you as insecure as Clark Kent.